I hate this. Ugggghhhhh!!! I hate this sooo very much. This happens every time I try to set a boundary or remove someone from my life, not because I’m trying to be a terrible person but because I am trying to practice not putting up with things that are not healthy, and it’s soo completely frustrating. I’m not sure if there is a psychological term for it but it feels like the emotional equivalent for when separation anxiety and buyer’s remorse got together and had a kid.

Ok, so let me explain because I’m really trying to figure out if this is like a trauma response or if it’s one of those really annoying personality traits. For example, I recently made this blog post about a girl who I recently stopped being friends with. The TLDR version is that I took her mental illnesses and anxieties into consideration through whatever she was doing. Gaming, real life, venting, literally anything we did. I had her back. She started off kind of doing the same for me, then just stopped. When I would get frustrated because I was feeling badly due to her lack of concern, I was called oversensitive and accused of trying to change her.  Whatever. So I just stopped being her friend. But here’s the thing that annoys and frustrates me to no end.

I feel bad. I feel bad because I’m not this person’s friend anymore. I feel bad because even though I know I wasn’t being unkind by setting boundaries and despite the fact that I know I wasn’t the oversensitive person she tried to make me out to be, I think about the distinct possibility that I hurt her. And yeah yeah, I know I’m not supposed to feel bad. I know that most people might say, “Oh well..” and never look back, but holy fuck do I feel bad. That’s why I mentioned it’s like buyer’s remorse and separation anxiety got together and came up with this masochistic form of guilt that makes you long for the thing that hurt you. And it’s terrible because it creeps up on me. Now granted, one of the things I’m working on is how I set boundaries because most of the time it goes something like this: I let things go, and build, and build, and then I try explaining but I’m nervous because I don’t want to upset them so it comes out awkward or at least I think it does. Then whatever we talk about still doesn’t change for some reason so the frustration builds more and more until I end up exploding on this person. So here’s where I should be happy right? I have literally bought myself a ticket to peace, free from their shit and away from their drama. Yes!! I should be ecstatic right? And for a couple days I am. Blissfully so. I don’t think about them for days and I even rethink how the argument went so I could’ve gone off on them somehow “better” telling myself things like, “Yeah I should’ve said that!” or “Yeah that would’ve been funny!!” Continue reading “Avalanches and Inner Peace Island” →

It happened again. I started to make a friend which I was very excited about. I met her back in early December and we instantly had that “old souls” kind of vibe.  At least, that’s what it was for me.  It started off like it normally does where I got past the initial friendship stage pretty seamlessly, and then when it came down to the actual-get-to-know-you stuff that happens afterword when it normally falls apart for me, well…this time it didn’t. So I became hopeful. Which turned out to be a mistake. A huge fucking mistake.

So after the initial friendship stage comes the part where we talk and get to know each other a bit more thoroughly and usually that’s the part that turns me into a nervous wreck. Even though I’m working on it I’m still pretty anxious and I still kinda drive myself crazy when they don’t respond or answer my text but like I said, I’m working on it. Anyway this time we’ve exchanged social media and we’re messaging each other every day. Not in a romantic way of course, all of this is strictly platonic. Yet we’re snapping each other every day, we’re playing online PC games together, we’re talking about real shit, and then…something happened. Her mother passed away from covid. Now when her mother passed away there were several big things that happened as a result. She was moved out of the house  where she was living and her relationship status went from having a live in BF to being a long distance relationship as the house she was moved to was in another state. Not too far way, but about a five and a half hour drive.

Now obviously I was there for her. In fact, I was there when she first got the news that it was time to say goodbye to her mother. I held her while she cried and I was checking in on her pretty often. This happened back in February and for a while she seemed almost withdrawn. Like she wasn’t showing any kind of emotion in front of any of her friends, except for me, and even that was pretty limited. But I never judged her, everyone shows emotion and grieves differently, I was just glad she felt comfortable enough to show emotion with me. And on the few occasions she cried I was always there for her. Even on days when she would tell me, “Hey I’m logging on the game and I just want someone to play with” I’d drop everything and rush home to play a game with her. Keep in mind that I don’t have a car so anytime I say I “rush” anywhere it’s somewhat of an exaggeration.  But still, you get the point. Continue reading “Cilantro, Ukuleles, and Change” →

So when do we stop and take a look at ourselves and wonder if we’re the toxic one?  I’m serious.  Is there ever a point where you sincerely try to figure out if a situation is fucked up, or if you’re fucked up?  And is there a definitive way to figured that out?  When I think of this question there is a certain person that comes to mind. I was in jr. high school and there was this girl I knew by the name of Helen. She was kind of an oddball but I think I was, in some way, attracted to her. Not like a crush kind of attracted, but looking back I think I was more attracted to the intellectual energy that she had if that makes any sense. She was an oddball in that she was was whip smart but was not shy about speaking up in class and showing it, almost like she didn’t care about being THAT GIRL or classified as “The Smart Kid”. Overall though she was pretty quiet, and she had kind of a goth vibe to her but wasn’t super into it in jr. high. I mean by high school she was pretty into the black clothing, black doc martins, and sheer black skirts that went over black pants or outfits similar to that, but in jr. high she wasn’t that committed to it yet.

I think it was her drive that was like a magnet to me. She was the polar opposite to what I had been taught my ideology about school or education should be.   Which was that according to my parents, I did not need to go to college. Therefore I didn’t really try at school. I mean if college was taken off your list of options, school seems almost like a waste of time. According to my parents, after I graduated I was either going to be a missionary or go and live at the headquarters of our religion where I would meet a man to marry. Of course now I cringe at the thought of any of those options. *makes gagging noise* In any case, Helen was so smart and so driven it was like…showing me how much I could be if I just tried. I hung out with her as much as I could. I walked her to her classes, whenever I needed help or missed a class assignment I called her for it. Then we’d talk on the phone for a bit and part of what made it so cool was that she was a pretty private person and I enjoyed the fact that I seemed to be the only person she was close to. I wasn’t allowed to talk with people from school growing up unless it had to do with class, so a lot of our phone calls had to be under the guise that I was calling her for homework or something other than just hanging out. And she understood this so it was almost like she was my partner in crime. It was awesome. Continue reading “Deep Sea Blue and Self Worth” →

So yesterday morning I think I had one of the worst starts to my day in a very long time. Ironically, I ended up laughing more that I had in a long time. Hear me out. See here’s the thing, one of my unhealthy traits my therapist had tried to get me to see was that sometimes what people with anxiety or depression do is catastrophize. Thankfully she also showed me there is a way to combat that, which is to practice gratitude. This is one of the simplest concepts to say, but for me, it still is one of THE most difficult to put into practice. Here’s why: Everything about my life has in someway reinforced that I don’t belong, that people don’t like me, that I am not wanted, and that I am nor will I ever be good enough. These are thoughts that are hardwired into my brain like paths in the tall grass that have been walked over and over. Nothing grows there and when walking through this particular field of my thoughts it’s easy to find because the tall grass covering the path has been repeatedly beat into submission.

The same principle applies to your thoughts. If we are told over and over that we don’t deserve happiness or love, then we won’t feel worthy enough to even look for it, let alone keep it should we stumble upon it. And on the off chance there might actually be someone that comes into our life, it’s pretty likely that the relationship will not be a healthy one. Most likely we will be so shocked that someone actually loves us, we build our entire lives around that person and will do, say, and give anything to keep them. That’s what makes us prime targets for people to take advantage of us. And this pattern is set on repeat. So it becomes normal for us to suffer. It becomes normal for us to think that every bad thing that happens in life is somehow proof that we don’t deserve good things. That we don’t deserve a chance at happiness.  In our personal life, in our professional, or academic life. It doesn’t matter in what area of our life we’re talking about, none of those good things are what we should have and we honestly believe that.  It’s automatic thinking for us because there is a pathway of pain and rejection already defined for us.  And it’s our own minds that have been repeatedly beat into submission.

Continue reading “Walking Through Sprinklers” →