No, this is not just a funky title, I really do have a question that I really would like an answer to. When I was younger, around the second grade, I remember having my first crush. Her name was Jeanette. Its strange to realize how small details stand out so much about someone specific. It’s like part of your brain already knows this person will somehow be significant in your life so it chooses to embed them in your soul. I remember I loved how she always smelled like her super fruity strawberry lip gloss and how her nose would crinkle when she laughed, I remember I could pick her voice out of an entire classroom full of kids, and how she always wore tennis shoes with the dresses that she wore. I obviously didn’t know I had a crush on her at this young age I just thought of her as someone I always looked forward to seeing. Then one day I remember I was excited because I had gotten new shoes. They were blue suede Nike that had that kind of swoosh that changed color depending on how you looked at it. I also wore my special t-shirt that made me feel extra cool.
So I was walking up this long hallway my school had. It went along the asphalt that had the four square and dodgeball lines and looped around the classroom buildings. I remember it was in the morning so there was still dew on the grass and the sunlight lit the open hallway in a way that made it almost seem like the cream colored columns were glowing. I remember she had a light pink dress with a white square in the middle and that she wore her long brown hair up in a bun that day. She walked right up to me and said, “I’m sorry James, but I’m afraid I’m gonna have to hate you.”
That was it. I remember how shocked I felt and that I went very still. I managed to ask her what was wrong or if I had done anything but she only shook her head. To this day I remember that I stood there with my blue Nikes and my super cool t-shirt watching her walk away in the soft morning glow. I went to the bathroom, sat in a stall, and cried. If you have read any of my previous posts then you already know my school life wasn’t good at all. I never had any friends and I was always bullied. But to me Jeanette was like…sunshine. She was this girl who was nice to everyone and when she was nice to me I felt seen for the first time. So for her to do this to me…it was like I was blindsided by the one person that made me happy. When we played at recess together I didn’t get teased and she certainly had never teased me. I remember trying to talk with her a couple times a day or two later but she would turn her head and purse her lips at me in a way that she never had before. Which made me feel worse. I had never felt so heartbroken before.
She was in a different class then me, and I remember sometimes I would ask to go to the bathroom just so I could look at her classroom door. Then for the first couple of weeks I would go to the bathroom and cry. I remember thinking that it was ok if we weren’t the special friends I thought we were, just as long as she didn’t hate me.
So my question is: why cant I seem to walk away from people that hurt me? Why? I think there is a reason why I remember Jeanette so clearly, because not only was she my first crush and heartbreak but she was the first person that I remember trying, really, really trying to get to like me again. So why the fuck do I do this? I get so frustrated with this trait because it seems like I still do this as an adult. Like if you took the same scenario and as an adult you put almost any other person I know, most people would be like, “Alright, fuckit. She didn’t like me, that’s not my problem, I’m out.”
So why the fuck can’t I do that? Why am I so perpetually stuck in this need to have people not hate me? The one thing that I feel is somewhat of a saving grace is that I don’t have this need with everyone. To this day, I don’t have very many friends so if you are someone I know from work or just on a surface level and something happens to make you stop talking to me, sure I’ll try a time or two to speak with you. But after that, I’m pretty much done. Now having said that, if you are one of my close friends or even someone I feel like I was getting close to, I’ll probably drive myself insane trying to figure out what happened. This is especially true if my feelings are involved. And that’s where I get annoyed. Why is it like this? If I start to have feelings for you, and you just bail or you just ghost me why the fuck is it that I get so heartbroken instead of just being able to walk away. Because that’s what I know I’m supposed to do right? On paper if someone you’re interested in hurts you, you should be able to just calmly and maturely wish them well and let them go. But nooooo, not me. I drive myself up the walls going over every conversation, every interaction, and every moment we had spent together. Ironically enough because I don’t want to feel like the crazy person, I won’t actually tell the person how I feel, ohhh nooo, because that would mean that I’m chasing you and I can’t do that. See this post for more on that.
So instead I just drive myself crazy in private. And I’m just tired of it. I don’t want to feel this way, I don’t want to do this anymore. Mostly because this is what a normal functional adult should be able to do, but also because…*sighs* I have been doing this to myself for the past almost eight months because of someone. And. I. Am. Tired. Of. It. Ugh, just typing that sentence made me partly frustrated, and partly sad. This was a post where I talk about this girl for a bit. But it’s been eight fucking months that we haven’t spoken, that’s longer that we were talking. We were talking for just about five months and now, now it’s been eight months and the deep sadness I feel is still so incredibly painful. I’ve left social media, I’ve stopped gaming with her, so why the fuck is this still such a thing?
I think there was a time when I had quietly thought to myself, I know that I want her in my future so I’ll just give it time. After all, time heals everything right? Yet as time goes by I’m starting to think that if someone really cared about you, the bottom line is that they wouldn’t ghost you during the worst time of your life. They wouldn’t just leave when they knew how painful it was for you to lose friends. They wouldn’t just let you walk out of their lives. So why is it that I can’t picture my life, or my future without her, yet it feels like she didn’t give a thought for me? Why am I so torn because she did express feelings for me but then acted like I was nothing? If someone treats you badly, then you should leave right? You should just pick up your shit and move one. Yet, being without her is loneliness and pain. Yet, how could I be so attached to someone who could turn their back on me at the drop of a hat? Why do I get so effected by heartache that I can still remember Jeanette’s dress the day she broke my heart? And if anyone says, “You should just focus on you…” I swear I will wish death by walking on legos on you. I’ve been trying. I made changes to limit contact, I’m going to school and working, I’ve started exercising again. I’ve gotten a bike and am trying to ride my bike to work. I am doing what I should be doing. Working on me. But I…I miss her so much. Whenever my brain has even a moment of non activity, it drifts to her. And I…I wish we still in each other’s lives.
I wish I had some funny or witty phrase to end this post on, like I normally do. But I can’t with this one. I just…I wish I was different. I wish I wasn’t me.