It happened again. I started to make a friend which I was very excited about. I met her back in early December and we instantly had that “old souls” kind of vibe. At least, that’s what it was for me. It started off like it normally does where I got past the initial friendship stage pretty seamlessly, and then when it came down to the actual-get-to-know-you stuff that happens afterword when it normally falls apart for me, well…this time it didn’t. So I became hopeful. Which turned out to be a mistake. A huge fucking mistake.
So after the initial friendship stage comes the part where we talk and get to know each other a bit more thoroughly and usually that’s the part that turns me into a nervous wreck. Even though I’m working on it I’m still pretty anxious and I still kinda drive myself crazy when they don’t respond or answer my text but like I said, I’m working on it. Anyway this time we’ve exchanged social media and we’re messaging each other every day. Not in a romantic way of course, all of this is strictly platonic. Yet we’re snapping each other every day, we’re playing online PC games together, we’re talking about real shit, and then…something happened. Her mother passed away from covid. Now when her mother passed away there were several big things that happened as a result. She was moved out of the house where she was living and her relationship status went from having a live in BF to being a long distance relationship as the house she was moved to was in another state. Not too far way, but about a five and a half hour drive.
Now obviously I was there for her. In fact, I was there when she first got the news that it was time to say goodbye to her mother. I held her while she cried and I was checking in on her pretty often. This happened back in February and for a while she seemed almost withdrawn. Like she wasn’t showing any kind of emotion in front of any of her friends, except for me, and even that was pretty limited. But I never judged her, everyone shows emotion and grieves differently, I was just glad she felt comfortable enough to show emotion with me. And on the few occasions she cried I was always there for her. Even on days when she would tell me, “Hey I’m logging on the game and I just want someone to play with” I’d drop everything and rush home to play a game with her. Keep in mind that I don’t have a car so anytime I say I “rush” anywhere it’s somewhat of an exaggeration. But still, you get the point.
Ok well since our friendship had first started, there were occasions where she would do things that I felt were inconsiderate. Like she would ask me if I wanted to join her in a game, I’d tell her that I’d log on in a few min but then when I’d log on she tell me that, “Oh sorry I’m in a group”. Keep in mind she had just asked me a couple minutes ago when she wasn’t on the game at all, and ten minutes later she’s in a group with five other people? Since it takes six for the group to be full. So of course I didn’t make a big deal over it, after all it’s just a game. Yet, I did explain after a couple more times of her doing this to me that, “Hey, I get it’s a game but when it comes to groups and joining…I get kinda nervous….I didn’t have a ton of friends growing up so I have some insecurity about if you want me to join or not.” Now I didn’t mind if she wanted to hang out or play with another friend. I get that. I understand people are going to have other friends and if they’re a gamer they’re gonna want to game with them. No big deal at all. I guess I just felt like it’s one thing to say, “Hey Jessie, I’m in a group with so-n-so and we’re gonna do a few games but I still wanna play with you ok?” Done. I get it. Yet what I would get is. “Sorry, I’m with this person” then that’s it. So I’d be confused like, Ok…is that like you want me to wait until you have room, or do you want me to join or….what???
Another thing to keep in mind is that whenever she wanted to play, I would make room for her if I was in a group. There were even a couple of times that I kicked people out of a group just because I didn’t want her to play by herself. Especially considering everything that had happened with her mother, and things associated with her passing. We were close like that. Or at least I considered her close to me. She even told me about her mental health struggles and that she occasionally had hard times in groups because sometimes there’d be someone who was too loud and really loud groups often made her anxious. She was also bipolar so sometimes she had really drastic mood shifts and she’d want to log off abruptly without much of a goodbye but hey, she was my friend so I happily accommodated all of these things. Whenever we got into a group, if there were a bunch of loud people I’d send her a whisper to ask if she was ok, and if she wasn’t, we’d leave. No questions asked. I wouldn’t say much when she’d get upset at something on the game then just want to log off, I mean sure I’d try to cheer her up sometimes because I never like it when someone is unhappy but I didn’t make a big deal about it.
Despite this she continued to keep doing what she was doing with invites and sometimes just straight up blowing me off. And that was really my only thing I truly felt sensitive about with her. I explained to her how I felt, how she could avoid causing that anxiety in me, how she could go about differentiating between if she wanted to just hang with her friend, or if she wanted me to join the group. Which is really all she had to do. Just tell me. It happened like once or twice but after that it never really happened at all. It was always, “I’m in a group” or “I’m duoing with this person.” Then silence. Nothing else. There were also other times when she tell me, Hey log on, then I’d log on and she say, “Actually I don’t feel like it sorry” Ok. So I’d go about my day. Then she’d do it again. One day she did that to me three times. After the third time I sent her a message like, “Hey, what is going on?” And she acted like it was me who was being sensitive because she didn’t understand why it wasn’t cool to just tell someone, “I don’t feel like playing” after they’ve invited you to play. Her literal response to me was, “Well I didn’t feel like it.” So I had to explain to her why it’s kinda shitty, “Because it’s not considerate of people’s time and it makes then feel like you’re either just trolling them or just blowing them off.” Later that day she did apologize and asked me to play with the promise of, “I won’t be difficult” So we did. I got on and since she had already apologized, I didn’t bring it up anymore. And we ended up having a lot of fun that night.
But last week there were two things that happened that caused everything that she hadn’t been doing to just explode. So the first thing was a disagreement we had earlier in the week. It happened when we were laughing and joking around and then she had one of her mood swings so she just got really quiet. Now keep in mind I didn’t know her mood had shifted because there were times when she’d genuinely just zone out because she was concentrating on the game or something. So I started tell her this story that I wanted some input from her on like as friends, it was one of those, “Ugh, how come I can’t find a chick through online gaming…” kind of play rant that was partly to make her laugh, partly because I really wanted to understand. Well it was met with, “Uh, I dunno…” Then silence. I waited, and I even asked her if she was ok, and her response was, “I’m fine”. Now anyone who knows what things typically mean with girls, knows that when they say, “I’m fine” they are most definately not fine at all. It usually means, “I’m upset about something” so I ask again what happened? I tell her that she was laughing a few minutes ago so was it something I asked or something in my story that upset her? I get the same thing except this time it came with a bit more irritation, “I’m fine.” Uh Ok. I didn’t know what to do, so we sit there in silence for a couple min. Then she asks me, “Are you mad?” and I was somewhat frustrated because I did tell her a story I was trying to engage her in, and she had just been laughing and joking around a few min before, and then when I ask her something. BAM. Nothing. So yes, I told her I was frustrated because sometimes it is difficult to understand her mood swings. And whenever she comes to me for advice I try to give thoughtful feedback. Then she just says, “I’m sorry” and logs off. Like in the middle of me talking. So now I’m upset because that is the equivalent of just hanging up on someone which is not cool. So I tell her that I felt that her leaving they way she did was pretty disrespectful and that she needed to get back on so we could talk. Her initial response was, “No because I don’t have anything to say” That’s it. So I explained that to end things the way she did was pretty disrespectful and if she wanted to to continue to remain friends we needed to talk about this. So she logs back on and we talk. It turns out this is when she told me she had one of her mood swings and that she is very sensitive about that subject and gets very touchy when people bring that up. We go back and forth for a bit because she was like, “I told you I was fine” to which I reply with, “Yeah but you weren’t” kind of thing. Eventually we work things out and at the end of the discussion she had told me, “I’m glad I came back” and I explained that I was too. So first disagreement down.
Fast forward a couple of days and we’re talking about moving in together, since she really missed her boyfriend and she had mentioned she wasn’t really happy where she was. Which we had been talking about on and off for a while now. So I’m trying to see what is going on with that and she responds with the fact that she did have a talk with her bf and that it was positive but that they also came up with a backup plan. And I’m like, wait, what’s the backup plan? Well her twenty year old bf who is a high school dropout, doesn’t have a car, and I don’t think has a driver’s license is going to move in her Aunt’s house in a couple months and then they’re going to get an apartment together. I’m in shock. Like what? And to give some context, my friend is 17 and has never had an apartment or lived on her own. So I’m like, “Um, does he have good credit and do you have first and last months rent saved up?” You know, those kinds of questions. To which it was immediately apparent that she was irritated and I think she took it like I was trying to dismantle her plans because eventually she shot back at me that, “I just didn’t think I should move in with someone” and now I’m in shock because it’s only six weeks until the move in date and now I’m totally confused so I tell her that I needed to know what she really wanted to do because I need to plan things, I tell her about the ad that needs to be taken down or put back up. Somewhere in the middle of that I tell her that I already had an ad up for a roommate (because it’s been there since February when my current roommate let me know she wanted to move out) to which she responds with, “Good.” Now it was a running joke between the two of us where typically when one of us says something snarky or even something brutally honest we say, “Why you gotta come at me like that?” Like it’s legitimately been a thing with us. So I say, “Why you gotta say it like that?” and it just disintegrated from there. She ends up yelling at me that, she’s fucking tired of me making her feel that she’s not saying things right or using the right tone and I’m like in shock because to me, that wasn’t the issue was at all. This time I tell her I’m logging off and she just leaves. Afterwards, I write her a snap saying that I didn’t know what to do because what she was upset about, was not what I was getting at and that lately it just felt like she just wanted to pick fights with me. That I have always wanted her to be happy, and that the farthest thing I wanted to do was pressure or control her.
She apologized and said that things had just gotten misconstrued but that she just needed a day or two alone. Ok, done. I gave her that space no questions asked. Then three days later she sends me an apology about how she had been feeling like things in her life are out of her control and that she took what I said out of context. Ok, no problem. I send her a really nice response back saying that all I’ve ever wanted was for her to feel in control of her surroundings and that I never wanted to pressure her into anything, and that I hoped she understood that I’ve always wanted her to have a place of peace. Especially with me. She said she appreciated that and I thought it was dropped. So I get home after work and I log on to the game. I noticed she was on and I was like, Hey let’s play!! I kid you not the response I get was, “I’m with someone else”. Silence. Now, I didn’t get mad but I am somewhat annoyed, after all I haven’t spoken to this person who I thought was a good friend in a few days so I tell her, “I still get confused when you say that, do you want me to join or…” then she sends me “I’m duoing with this person, and you’re too low to play with us. I just want to climb my rank.” Now that. That I’m mad about. Because I have never, ever, blown her off because I wanted to “climb my rank”. I’ve switched from competitive to non competitive games before because she has told me she doesn’t feel like playing comp matches, I’ve done so many things to be considerate for her and then it just hit me like a ton of fucking bricks. I didn’t want to be her friend anymore. I told her that I had always invited her to groups or made room for her and her response, again, after not speaking to me for three fucking days was, “It’s not that big of a deal” That’s it. I want out. Let me off this ride where I’m supposed to be your really good friend and take all your insecurities into account when we play, but when I give you a fucking roadmap so you can help me with my anxieties, I get treated like I’m this oversensitive snowflake. I told her I was done. I told her fuck you and removed her from everything. All my social media, my discord server. All of it. A mutual friend was in the group when this happened. He tried to speak to me then speak to her to smooth things over but that didn’t work. Now even though I was super angry and upset at her, I told him that if she really wanted to be friends she would need to reach out to me to fix this by the next day. Her response was that she was, “On the fence because she was tired of me making her feel like she was not saying things right, or in the right tone” even though that was never the issue and that, “I get butthurt (do people still say butthurt?) over everything she says” and that “she shouldn’t have to change for anyone.” and when our friend pointed out that it was her who may have taken a joke out of context like she had already admitted she did she completely changed her perspective on the disagreement and says, “I call bullshit” on the fact that I was joking with her, and that all of a sudden I was serious. Riiiight. Despite the fact that I not only told her I was confused WHILE SHE WAS YELLING AT ME, I sent her a snap after she was done yelling at me saying the same fucking thing. That I was confused about her reaction, and that what she got out of it was not what I had been trying to get across. That I thought there had been some sort of miscommunication between us or at the very least something that had been taken out of context. So the amount of sheer irony in those statements is practically immeasurable.
First off the whole, “I get tired of not saying things in the right tone for her…” is just complete nonsense. Literal gibberish. I never at any point told her to use a certain “tone” with me. And she had already acknowledged that the incident she was referring to, where we had been speaking about moving in together and a single word of “good” was taken out of context, was an incident where she had yelled at me for something I had not done, nor even understood. As previously mentioned, I had even told her while she was yelling that I didn’t understand exactly what she was yelling about, then even sent her a snap explaining I was totally lost. Secondly, does anyone one else see the enormous fucking irony in telling everyone that I get butthurt over everything when the incident she was referring to actually stemmed from a disagreement where she got super sensitive and yelled at me for something I didn’t do? More specifically because I brought up her mood swings. Like I want to yell at her, HOW DO YOU NOT SEE WHAT A GIANT HYPOCRITE YOU’RE BEING ABOUT THIS? Thirdly, (is that a word? Thirdly?) the amount of immaturity involved to actually think that I, at any point in time, wanted her to change for me is so blatantly disproportionate to how much I accommodated her own insecurities and anxieties. Any time she was nervous about a group that was too big, or too loud, I would ask if she were ok. And when she wasn’t, we left. Or when her own mood swings caused her to go from laughing and joking around to quiet and withdrawn sometimes at the drop of a dime which left other people in the group whispering me if she were ok? To which I always responded with something supportive and understanding like, “yeah she’s alright she just gets a bit nervous about new peeps sometimes, no biggie!!”
In my opinion, being considerate towards someone is not trying to “change you.” Are these things little changes you make because you’re aware of their mental health and insecurities? Yes. But here’s a fact that I feel that is overlooked in all of this. Your friends that you surround yourself with will, at some point, cause you to make changes to your behavior. Not because you asked them to. But because as your friendship grows, so does their understanding of you. You’re allergic to cilantro? Ok, if I cook for you I’m not going to put cilantro in the dish. Or I change it up and make something that doesn’t call for cilantro at all. I change things. Not because I’m changing as a person, but because my understanding of what makes you up as a person has grown, and has changed. I’m showing understanding, empathy, and kindness. Do I change as a person because you can’t have cilantro? No. Am I a different person because I made a different dish that did not have cilantro in it? Of course not. So by me telling her that I have something that causes a lot of anxiety, and by me explaining and showing her that she could have avoided that situation by simply telling me what she would like to happen while in a group. A simple, “Hey I’m in a group with so-n-so, I want to play with them, but I still want to play with you, give me a bit” or “I’ll be on again in a couple hours and we’ll hang then”, or “I’m in a group with this person, come join us.” That’s it. But despite me getting to know her and all her insecurities and showing kindness, understanding, and empathy then her refusing to show the same to me and on top of that criticizing me for being sensitive when one of the incidents between us was caused because she was in fact the sensitive one is just manipulative, immature, and unkind.
The sad part is that I miss her. I miss the fun times we had when we logged on the game and laughed and joked around. I miss the inside jokes like “Owa Owa” or “Oh hell yeah” and the discord calls we shared. I miss the calls and the texts about good or bad things. I miss the talks where she showed me she was frustrated with her bf, her living situation, or her new brother simply because those were things that made her up as a person. I was getting to know her wholly and completely and that to me is what I love about a friendship. I love getting to know the ins and outs and her day to day frustrations because that makes me feel useful and wanted. The advice, support, and encouragement I gave to her about her art, her bf, and her ability to handle her surroundings even when she thought she couldn’t. The stupid tik tok vids I sent her about aggressive positivity when she was down about emotionally doming her into loving herself or even the super sappy ones that made her laugh even when she didn’t want to and reply to me with a snap that was like, “OMG that was THE GAYEST vid ever. Thank you” The talks about my frustrations with the girl that had ghosted me and broke my heart, my frustrations with relationships, all the pieces of me I gave to her that I didn’t give to anyone else. The voice snap she sent of her singing while she played her ukulele, my astonishment of how beautiful I thought her voice was, and the talks after her mom had passed when I had noticed she hadn’t sang or played in a while. The plans where one of us would come visit the other where we would just get super high and write music, sing songs, and do art because I knew all those things spoke to her soul and like I told her once before, above anything else I wanted her to find laughter, happiness, and peace.
I valued all of those things. And they are the things that pain me now because I cared about them as deeply as I miss them. If she ever reads this maybe she’ll think I am a big softie because she didn’t give a shit about any of these things and she’ll still believe it was all my fault because she shouldn’t have to change. I never wanted her to. I never wanted anything from her except kindness and instead I got her going behind my back and telling people things to make me out to be some oversensitive person who she was tired of. Despite me never once doing that to her. Even to this day, I have not spoken badly of her. Even when people who knew the things I’ve done or who saw me doing them commented that she was being a bitch, I would never try to portray her as oversensitive or over dramatic. I’d just tell them, “Just give it time, she’s doing her right now.” But now I see that I don’t think time will change anything. Especially her.
Which is what she wanted. Right?