So when do we stop and take a look at ourselves and wonder if we’re the toxic one? I’m serious. Is there ever a point where you sincerely try to figure out if a situation is fucked up, or if you’re fucked up? And is there a definitive way to figured that out? When I think of this question there is a certain person that comes to mind. I was in jr. high school and there was this girl I knew by the name of Helen. She was kind of an oddball but I think I was, in some way, attracted to her. Not like a crush kind of attracted, but looking back I think I was more attracted to the intellectual energy that she had if that makes any sense. She was an oddball in that she was was whip smart but was not shy about speaking up in class and showing it, almost like she didn’t care about being THAT GIRL or classified as “The Smart Kid”. Overall though she was pretty quiet, and she had kind of a goth vibe to her but wasn’t super into it in jr. high. I mean by high school she was pretty into the black clothing, black doc martins, and sheer black skirts that went over black pants or outfits similar to that, but in jr. high she wasn’t that committed to it yet.
I think it was her drive that was like a magnet to me. She was the polar opposite to what I had been taught my ideology about school or education should be. Which was that according to my parents, I did not need to go to college. Therefore I didn’t really try at school. I mean if college was taken off your list of options, school seems almost like a waste of time. According to my parents, after I graduated I was either going to be a missionary or go and live at the headquarters of our religion where I would meet a man to marry. Of course now I cringe at the thought of any of those options. *makes gagging noise* In any case, Helen was so smart and so driven it was like…showing me how much I could be if I just tried. I hung out with her as much as I could. I walked her to her classes, whenever I needed help or missed a class assignment I called her for it. Then we’d talk on the phone for a bit and part of what made it so cool was that she was a pretty private person and I enjoyed the fact that I seemed to be the only person she was close to. I wasn’t allowed to talk with people from school growing up unless it had to do with class, so a lot of our phone calls had to be under the guise that I was calling her for homework or something other than just hanging out. And she understood this so it was almost like she was my partner in crime. It was awesome.
Then one day, out of the blue, she didn’t want to talk on our phone calls anymore. She stopped helping me with class assignments and when I would call her for any homework I missed, she would give it to me then tell me she had to go immediately after. I was really sad about this. I tried call her for a couple more days but eventually we just stopped hanging out and stopped talking to each other all together. Fast forward a year and I found myself in the same class as her. It was sooo awkward between us. Really she would pretty much just ignore me and I stayed away from her.
The class we found ourselves together in was ironically the one subject where I was better than her. It was an advanced Art class. And the fact that I knew she winced whenever the teacher used my project as an example of how to do certain projects, was almost like an in-your-face kind of vibe. Because she was used to being the best at everything. Math and Sciences were her strengths and that’s why I had always gone to her for help. But Art and sports were where I shined the brightest. Anyway, one day we found ourselves at the table where we’d fill our palettes with paint together with no one else around. And out of nowhere she handed me a tube of deep sea blue and said, “Can you open this? It’s stuck.” I blinked at her…several times. I silently took the tube from her and after inspecting the tube I realized it had dried paint sealing it shut. So I start peeling it off and to this day, I have no idea where this came from because I wasn’t even thinking about saying it when I blurted out, “Why did you stop being my friend?!” She looked directly at me then, the first time in months, then she looked away when she answered. “I just got tired of you.”
This experience, this one right here, ugh. I remember blinking at her just to make sure I heard her right then I opened to the paint tube and handed it back to her without a word. Yep…that’s what I did. Now what I wanted to do was throw that tube of paint in her hair and drop kick her in the face, but I’m pretty sure that was frowned upon. We continued to ignore each other for the rest of the semester. I remember being totally blown away by this. How could some people be like that? Just decide that one day that they no longer wanted to be friends with someone they were close to. We were literally close friends one day, then strangers the next. I remember thinking that as much as it hurt to lose her friendship, the hurt I felt because I could be so casually thrown away was much, much worse.
Now I’ve been treated terribly throughout my years in school. I was bullied since I was in elementary school and I was always teased. Either cause of my religion, or the fact that I wore glasses, or that I was a tomboy or a plethora of other things that made me different. When I got older, I was teased because I never went to any parties or dances. There was always something it seemed. But there are specific people that stood out to me because I think they all carry the same theme. They were all people who I thought were special to me in some way or form then just woke up one day and decided they didn’t want to be my friend. This hurt and frustration has been carried with me and I think it’s partly why I get so hurt when it happens to me in adulthood.
Yes, I know that people can change their minds at anytime and that no one in this life owes you anything. Yet, how much does that apply to friends? I understand that for whatever reason, if you someday feel that a friendship is no longer something you want to maintain or pursue, then that’s totally your choice and that’s not the part that bothers me. But the part where you just bail on them without so much as a word is what I’m talking about. The part where you decide in your brain that, “Yes, this is going to hurt this person. Maybe irrevocably so, but that’s ok.” That is the part I find heartbreaking. The fact that in their mind you have been measured and have been classified as collateral damage for a decision that you didn’t get a say in or didn’t even see coming. I even understand this process if this is someone you just met and just got a bad vibe with or maybe it’s just someone who you know on a surface level, but I’m not talking about those relationships. I’m talking about two people who were close either in friendship or due to an actual romantic relationship where they have invested in you, and created memories and moments with you. The kind of friendships where you have inside jokes that all you have to do is just look at the other person and they start smiling. Or they text you good morning simply because you want them to smile, and you smile like an idiot at your phone when they do the same. You know all the little details about them like their favorite food is pasta, and even all their little idiosyncrasies like they eat their fries with the ketchup on the side and not on their plate. How can you just…do that to someone? Because I can’t. Personally, I try to be there for my friends and make sure that they know I’m always there for them. And when I say that, I mean it. Need to talk to someone at 3am because you’re having a breakdown, I’m here. Need to come over and have a wine date because your day sucked, I’ll have the wine and maybe even some cheese waiting for you.
And even when this does happen to me, I’m still the one that wonders one day if we’ll ever talk again because I will inevitably miss you. I won’t reach out to you. I’ve learned not to chase people very early on in my childhood. I’ll just silently miss you.
So that’s my question or questions: Why? Why do I miss them? Why am I someone who always seems to be cast aside when I’m the one who will always be there? Why does it have to be this way? I know people go in an out of your life, but why does it seem that everyone who leaves my life does so in such a chaotic or traumatic manner? It’s such a frustrating feeling to think that you’re not good enough to stay in someone’s life, but at the same time remember everything you did to make them feel good about themselves. And I understand that people may think that, “you shouldn’t let someone else’s opinion of you change your value” and that’s fair because you shouldn’t. But what I’m after is how often it happens. Like if you have the same reoccurring problem ten times, then that’s when it becomes very difficult to lay the blame on everyone else’s feet. At that point shouldn’t you look at yourself and say, “Ok, I might be doing something to drive them away” or “I’m definitely attracting toxic people because of INSERT TOXIC TRAIT OF MINE HERE” and that’s what I’m getting at.
I’m obviously trying to better myself through this blog and writing is admittedly something that helps bring things into focus for me. That’s why I feel if I could see what’s actually going wrong, that would benefit me or if I’m the one actually doing the wrong. Even better, because I’m more than willing to fix whatever it is I’m doing.
In the end, I think it’s that I want to see how I can increase my value. Both to myself, and to others. I want to be valued, I just need to understand how to do that. I think a lot of us do.