Solar Urticaria

So this post is a little different. Most of the time I have a writing assignment from my therapist. I get a subject or even like a broad topic or area of my life and I expand on that. However, this evening I find that I’m just…frustrated. And this frustration has led to a kind of spiral of thoughts for me. I circle back to an instance last summer where I met someone and without going into much detail about what exactly happened, I will just sum up by saying that we met and we talked for about five months. Then things got complicated and I took a step back, I let her know so I wouldn’t ghost her and the agreement was made that we would always be friends. Well, fast forward about a month and I was in the middle of one of the worst depressions I’ve ever experienced. I wasn’t eating, I wasn’t taking care of myself, I wasn’t getting out of bed. Prior to our break, this person was my best friend so I had thought I could reach out to her, and that in turn she would value our friendship enough to be there for me. Long story short. She wasn’t. In fact, she ended up ghosting me two weeks after I told her what I was going through.

It hurt so very much not only because I normally have a very hard time forming attachments to people. You only have to skim some of the other posts to know that I did not have a very happy childhood. Because of how I was raised emotions are hard for me to understand and deal with, and then throw in the normal uneasiness and difficulty I have when it comes to getting really close to someone. When I was a child I learned to try and not feel anything because that was the only  emotional and physical safe place I had.  As a  young adult, I tried to get in tune with my feelings but it was almost as if turning them back on was too much. And I know humans aren’t beings that can turn their emotions on and off with the flip of a switch. But for me it was a long process of dulling what I felt. Over everything. Happiness. Joy. Sadness. Pain. So when I tried over a period of time to turn them back on it was like…like blinding sunlight after you’ve been in the dark. It was too much. I was over emotional about everything. I cried too easily, I took everything personally, I got upset, and screamed over things. It was exhausting really.

So when a time in my life came around that I experienced a deep sense of loss and trauma, it was much easier to numb everything again than it was to feel everything. I’ve since started to try and open myself up but this is partly where I get frustrated. I get frustrated because sometimes I feel like I have no middle ground and it is soo infuriating I can’t breathe. It’s like I don’t feel anything or I feel everything. Especially when an unexpected connection happens for me.

Which is what this girl was to me. She was the type of girl who, out of nowhere, just clicked with me. And I believe that I clicked with her. Soon it became a daily routine to text, “Good morning my adorable wife!” and she would reply back with a good morning message of her own. I’d talk to her throughout the day and because we were both gamers I’d send her things called “smile mats” and anyone who plays any kind of Mass Multi-Player Online Role Playing Game or MMORPG “mats” are short for materials. Things that you use to build other things. Like sticks and kindling are fire mats, or thread and silk are tailoring mats. Well her smile mats were things that would make her laugh. It could be a meme or a gif or even a poem or a picture of a sunset. Something to make her laugh and start her day off with a smile. And at the end of everyday we’d say good night and wish each other sweet dreams. I would like to add in the fact that she was bisexual and had a boyfriend at the time. So…yes, we did these things and for me it was a special connection but I never tried to do anything with her. For me…I always…ALWAYS respected her relationship and never tried to sext her or cyber her…it was always just talking. I had tried soo many times to stay away from her…but that was part of the draw though. In the past I have left girls alone with no problem…I never spoke to anyone who was involved with anyone else, and I certainly never hung around if I got the vibe that my feelings weren’t mutual. But with her…it was like staying away from her physically hurt me. It was like cutting off a limb and the pain that came with that was emotionally eviscerating.  I could not stay away from her.  In short, she was different. Or so I had thought.

Now when I get frustrated with anyone I think back to this person who ghosted me, and I genuinely miss her. Even when the frustration comes from another girl entirely. Like today, it’s been a bit annoying to me that when this girl I know invites me to play a game with her, I’m always available and down to jump in.  But when I ask her, she’s always busy or not in the mood or…whatever you get my point. But then in an odd way I’ll feel frustrated at my own frustration because this friend of mine has just lost her mother, and she’s been hanging out with family because it makes her feel better. Yet, I still feel hurt because when I ask her, “Do you want to play?” or “I’m on now, you wanna join?” the answer I get is, “I’m good”  and that answer causes me to feel badly. Keep in mind that this second girl and I are strictly just friends. So then I get irritated because I feel like my feelings aren’t justified. Then I circle back to the first girl and tell myself that I’m so very stupid for falling for the first girl and stupid for trying to be friends with the second. It doesn’t help anything when one of the last things the first girl said to me was that our messages were platonic in her mind. Like wait, what? So texting good morning beautiful, and good night my adorable wife, and sweet dreams, and sending smile mats…that’s all platonic???   However, about three weeks prior to this she had admitted she had feelings for me.  Then in the same conversation she told me she didn’t anymore, she also told me that she knew feelings didn’t work that way.  So wait, now I’m totally confused.  She had feelings for me, then she told me she had to get rid of them, then she told she knew feelings didn’t work that way.  What. The. Fuck? So not only do I feel frustrated and confused, now I doubt whether I was special to this girl at all. Which is a horrible feeling to have in general, but when you’re so hesitant to open up and to show someone that side of you…it’s almost emotionally debilitating. It makes me doubt if I can properly identify women’s intentions which I already have trouble with. Like who am I kidding? I can’t even make friends, let alone properly identify someone’s romantic intentions. Then I end up over examining the situation with the second girl like, “Wait, if I’m getting this frustrated over playing with her, is it that I like her?” But then the resounding answer I get from my head is “No.” So then, why am I so fucking frustrated? Why??? Why do I get so frustrated when I feel like people don’t want to spend time with me even though they are platonic? Why am I so sensitive about this? Then out of nowhere I end up missing the first girl. Like a deep seated sadness seeps through me and I end up sobbing. Because I genuinely miss the first girl and I’m frustrated over the second.  

I feel like I just want to avoid people all together sometimes. I don’t understand them. I feel like romantic relationships are alienating, and friendships are elusive, and both are painfully frustrating. It’s like when you’re allergic to the sun. Normally, the sun provides vitamins and nourishes you. But what if every time you walked out in the sun you broke out in hives?   What if what you want in life is to just have a deep connection with someone romantically and be able to formulate lasting deep friendships. Things that typically nourish you and are supposed to add a sense of joy to your life. Yet, what if those same needs and desires are the root for the most painful and isolating moments in your life??

What do you do then?